WHEN MOMS AND DADS HAVE DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES

Discover How Parents Can Resolve Their Discipline Disagreements

            You and your spouse want to teach your children to behave well, but you each have different ideas on how to achieve this.  Sound familiar?  As one parent explains, “When it comes to raising our 7-year-old, my husband and I battle over everything – discipline, bedtime, meals, you name it!  Worse yet, our fights usually happen in front of our daughter.”

            Discipline differences can also exist amongst divorcees and in stepfamilies.  Says a divorced parent, “My ex- and I are at odds about childrearing, so our kids have different rules in our respective homes.”  And a stepparent complains, “I love my wife, but we fight constantly about how to raise her 6-year-old.”

Inconsistent parenting can take its toll on kids and trigger behavior problems such as manipulative maneuvering.  This occurs when children set their parents up against each other and side with the one who gives them what they want.  Other problems may include defiance and disobedience as children mimic the hostility they see between their parents. 

Fortunately, it is possible for parents to iron out their differences by learning to work together.  Here are some ideas on how to this. 

Mom’s Too Strict, Dad’s Too Laid-Back

            When Eric and Lani married, they got along well.  However, since becoming parents, the worst in them has come out - they argue all the time over how to raise Tyler, now 8.  Eric complains, “Lani’s too strict.  When Tyler asks why he must do something, like take out the garbage, Lani yells, ‘Because I said so!’”  Then she punishes Tyler for questioning her. 

            Lani’s frustrated with Eric because, instead of being firm, he caters to Tyler.  Eric says he gives in because he doesn’t want to upset Tyler.

Getting On The Same Page.  Lani’s authoritarian parenting style isn’t teaching Tyler to make positive choices.  The only reason he obeys is to avoid punishment - when no one’s watching, he rebels and misbehaves.  Eric’s permissive parenting style is also problematic because it doesn’t teach Tyler to accept responsibility.  This puts Tyler at risk for developing behavior problems.

            Tyler’s mom and dad need to adopt a parenting style based on positive discipline.  This means firm, fair guidance that’s applied with love.  It also includes rules for behavior that are enforced, along with consequences for non-compliance. 

            Smart Fix.  When parents clash over childrearing, this can erode their marriage and jeopardize their children’s development.  Once Eric and Lani have agreed on rules for Tyler, they should post these rules in a visible place, such as on the refrigerator.  Then Tyler will know what’s expected of him, and his parents won’t be at odds over how discipline is handled. 

Dad Makes Rules, Mom Ignores Them

            Kaitlin, 12, wants to eat while using the computer (a no-no in her home).  So she asks her mom if she can do this, knowing she’ll say “yes.” 

            When Kaitlin’s dad learns that her mom gave in, he’s furious and feels undermined.  “You’re too easy-going,” he complains, “You heard me say, “No,” to Kaitlin yesterday when she wanted to eat while surfing the net.”  Kaitlin’s mom replies, “Lighten up, she’s just a kid!” 

            A heated conflict follows, with name-calling and insults.  Kaitlin, who is in the next room trying to do homework, overhears the hostility.  She dreads what usually happens next - after her parents fight they go for days without talking.

            Getting On The Same Page.  These parents must learn to handle their conflicts civilly.  Then their focus can shift from character bashing to addressing Kaitlin’s behavior. 

            Smart Fix.  Effective parenting requires a team approach.  Kaitlin’s mom should not permit her to do things her father doesn’t allow.  Making joint parenting decisions could do wonders for keeping the peace in this family. 

Dad Gets His Way, Mom is Overridden

            Jen doesn’t want Pete, her 9-year-old, exposed to DVDs that contain violence.  But Rick, Pete’s dad, lets his son see those DVDs, and rationalizes, “All Pete’s friends watch them.”  When Jen finds out that Pete watches a violent DVD, she and Rick have a big blowout, which Pete overhears. 

            Getting On The Same Page.  When one parent overrides the other, their children often develop bad habits.  Pete has learned to manipulate by using his dad against his mom so he can get his way.  He’s also become secretive and dishonest, thinking things like, “Dad doesn't mind, I just won't let Mom catch me doing it.” 

            Jen’s concern about exposing Pete to violence is valid.  Parents must monitor the entertainment their children experience, with safety issues being paramount.  

            Jen and Rick need to hash out their differences behind closed doors, and let go of the "my way is the right way" mindset so they can focus on what's best for Pete. 

            Smart Fix.  If these parents find that they’re unable to resolve their differences, they might consider consulting a qualified third person, such as a counselor.  Then they could learn to resolve their disagreements by talking, listening, and respecting each other’s point of view.

            It would be healthy for Pete to see his parents compromise if, for example, they were to agree that he can only watch non-violent DVDs.  This could give Pete confidence in his parents’ ability to problem solve.  It would also model effective communication.   

Permissive Mom, Limit Setting Stepdad

            Recently, Dave and Kim got married.  Dave also became stepdad to Justin, 10, whom he doesn’t know well.  When it comes to parenting, Dave feels that Kim’s too permissive.  He explains, “After Justin forgot his homework at school twice last week, I wanted to suspend his TV privileges for two days, but Kim thought that was too harsh.” 

            Kim responds, “Since my divorce a year ago, Justin misses his dad; he also gets bullied at school.  I want him to feel loved and safe at home.”  There’s lots of friction between these parents over who's right and who's wrong.

Getting On The Same Page.  Divorced parents often feel badly that their children are part of a broken family.  As a result, some overcompensate by being lenient.  It can also be problematic when stepparents prematurely assume a parenting role. 

Kim needs to stop pitying Justin and start applying rules, and consequences for misbehavior.  She should also reassure Justin, “Even though I’m allowing Dave to parent you, he isn’t replacing your dad.”  That said, Dave should postpone hands-on parenting until he and Kim can agree on a parenting style. 

Meanwhile, since Dave is somewhat of a stranger to Justin, he ought to prioritize getting to know the 10-year-old, and bonding with him.  Otherwise, Justin might feel threatened by the new stepparent relationship and rebel.

            Smart Fix.  Prior to marriage, the biological parent and the potential stepparent should agree on a parenting style.  A united front is essential when it comes to childrearing.

            Also, long before marriage, the would-be stepparent and the stepchild should be introduced to each other.  This way, they can share experiences, such as social and recreational activities, and begin to bond.  Then when the adults marry, the child is likely to adapt smoothly to the new stepparent relationship.

            This article is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as psychological advice or as a substitute for consultation with your qualified health professional.  Names of persons herein have been changed for privacy purposes.