HEADING BACK TO SCHOOL WITH CONFIDENCE

           Shortly before the school year starts, Kate and Cindy make a play date at the beach for their kids.  Kate’s 9-year-old son, Matt, used to play with Cindy’s twins Nick and Pam, also 9, before they moved to the other side of the island. 

            As the kids enjoy playing together again at the beach, their mothers appreciate the opportunity to sit with each other and talk – chatting on the phone just isn’t the same

            Kate shares some concerns she has about Matt.  “Every year, around this time, he dreads the start of school,” she says.  “He’s so afraid of failing.  I’ve tried reassuring him that he’ll be fine, but it hasn’t helped.” 

            Cindy went through a similar situation with the twins the year before.  “Both had fears about the next school year,” she says, “Also, there was a lot of stress at home because their dad and I were going through a divorce.  Fortunately, with the help of the school counselor, a tutor, and a parenting workshop, I learned how to strengthen their confidence so that, now, the twins look forward to returning to school, eager to share summer experiences with friends, and excited about learning new things.”

            As their conversation progresses, Cindy shares with Kate some tips she learned from the workshop, the counselor, and the tutor, to bolster the twins’ confidence, including how to improve parent-child communication and instill good study habits. 

            Here are excerpts from their chat, with ideas that Cindy, and many other parents, have found useful to help their children feel confident about returning to school. 

Be a Positive Role Model

            “The twins used to dread going back to school,” said Cindy.  “Nick feared adjusting to a new teacher and new subjects; Pam worried that she wouldn’t understand what was going on in class, since that’s what happened the previous year.  She felt guilty, anxious and depressed about this, and became withdrawn.  The kids’ reading, writing and math skills were weak.” 

            Cindy explained that she spoke to the school counselor about the children’s fears.  The counselor recommended that she attend a parenting workshop.  “Your children’s anxieties and academic problems don’t seem to be linked to their intelligence,” said the counselor.  “Their struggles reflect an absence of parental guidance.  Their skills are weak because, as you say, you didn’t teach them reading, writing and math skills early, and they’ve grown up watching television, unsupervised.” 

            Cindy felt ashamed to admit that the twins hadn’t been exposed to positive role-modeling.  “I did the best I could to raise them,” she said, “But after attending the workshop, I realized I could do better and that children must learn fundamentals early.  I wish I’d known how important it was to spend time talking to the twins when they were young.  The workshop taught me that, even at the age of two, I could’ve explained the meaning of words to them and helped them develop their vocabulary.

            The counselor also consulted the twins’ teachers, who recommended that Cindy seek tutoring for them, which she did.  The twins then improved academically, which bolstered their confidence. 

Praise Good Behavior

            Feedback from the tutor indicated that the twins feared being criticized and judged at school.  “Not surprising,” said Cindy.  “My “ex” and I had many fights over the fact that he teased the twins.  He thought it was no big deal, saying, ‘Can’t they take a joke?’  His teasing wasn’t funny.  It caused the twins to fear doing things wrong or looking stupid.  No wonder Pam became passive and Nick acted out.”

            “My husband does the same thing,” said Kate.  “And so did my parents.  Growing up, I hated being teased and promised myself, ‘I’ll never do that to my children.’” 

            Cindy replied, “The workshop facilitator urged parents to refrain from criticism, and to recognize the positive.”  “Great advice,” said Kate.  “If Matt does something well, I’ll be sure to acknowledge it.” 

Be Attentive

            “I also realized how important it was to pay attention to the children and encourage them to express their feelings,” Cindy said.  “During the divorce I was preoccupied with my problems and didn’t pay attention to Nick.  So I didn’t notice that he had stopped sharing with me.  Fortunately, the lines of communication are now open again.” 

            And with Pam being passive, I’ve found that I need to listen carefully to hints she might drop.  When she was being teased by classmates, for example, because I was paying attention, I noticed her distress and helped her resolve this problem. 

            “Thanks for sharing what you learned,” says Kate.  “You’ve given me some ideas on how to help Matt feel better about heading back to school.”